Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
