Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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