trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
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I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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