1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
