things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
