is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
