tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
