i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
