Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
