He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
