Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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