Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
