scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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