Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
