is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She bit a glass in half.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
