I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
