the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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