The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
