how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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