life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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