she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
