Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
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we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
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I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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