My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize