i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
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Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
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His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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