Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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