Swine flu. Run for my life!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
