I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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