mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
