i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
