The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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