I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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