she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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