I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
