do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Randomize
