I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
