I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
