worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
