Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
