Christians are straight up FREAKS
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
