John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
