I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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