I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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