i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Randomize
