Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
