there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
