The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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