Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
