I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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