I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I need a burrito and a hug.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
