Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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