you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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