It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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