I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
