I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
