I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You dont lie about slip and slides
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
