so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
