the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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