this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
