Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
