You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
