Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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